B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Dear Ex Boyfriends,

There's most likely a myriad of reasons as to why my relationship with you has ceased to exist. Some of which may or may not include:

1. We grew apart.
2. Distance.
3. You cheated on me.
4. Stress/bad timing.
5. You are completely batshit CRAZY.

Now, those are just the main reasons. And I'm quite certain more than one applies to a breakup we've endured. However, I would like to focus on topic #5 and those it applies to.

Before I delve into things, I would first like to express my apologies if I broke up with you as a result of #5. If you've met my family, you'd understand there's already a certain level of manic one can endure in their life and I certainly do not have room for more.

Firstly: Can I please have my things back? I mean, what are you REALLY going to do with the random clothing/jewelry you've accumulated throughout this relationship? I gave your crap back, I should get my belongings in return. It's ok if you threw it all away because you were upset. It's really not ok if you're hanging onto my random things for ransom as a means of having conversation with me. You don't even wear jewelry or dresses. Hand it over, por favor.


Secondly: Calling and/or texting me 30+ times in a 20 minute time frame is not only a tad on the "overkill" side, but it will also make me turn my phone off faster than Tara Reid looking for a bathroom after a night (or day) of binge drinking. How am I supposed to respond to your freak outs if I'm getting text messages in faster than I can type them out? Seems rather silly, to me. Also, if you've prompted a cell phone shut down, calling me at work is NOT an option. Besides, my voicemail greeting at the office is way more annoying than the one on my mobile device.

Thirdly: Please understand that I can and probably will move on; as you either have or should. Lingering happens. I know, because I've mistakenly done it. But just because I would rather maintain a friendship than wish you to the eternal pits of hell does not mean I'm making an attempt to salvage our coupleness. Being upset because I was being nice doesn't seem very logical, now does it?

And Finally: I highly suggest you limit your usage of the interweb. Specifically on social networking websites. Please see here for further information regarding my humble outlook on the matter. More often than not your obsessive lurking has prompted somewhat ... creepy reactions. Which are then promptly followed by the discovery of "Thirdly" with "Secondly" trailing close behind. Not very cute, is it?


I would love nothing more than to be on good terms with those I once cared for. However, due to probably more than one of the [reoccurring] instances mentioned above, you've simply made it impossible. I wish you the very best in life. Should you ever grow up, find yourself a good therapist or simply just stop being a creepster dude, feel free to contact me in a completely sane and logical manner.

Best Regards,
Your Ex Girlfriend


Yep.

Cheating Done Wrong.

Alright.

I understand cheating happens. It's absolute bullshit, but it happens. Then when it happened to me there were a few (reads: million) "how could you?" thoughts roaming around inside my brain. But after much (reads: drunken) contemplation, I managed to reach a couple conclusions as to why it just didn't make sense.

1. Cheating Appears To Be Time Consuming.
Now, while being on tour across the country played a major advantage in this one, it applies to the every day, stay local folk, as well. I mean, goodness gracious, there's a lot that goes into this sort of thing. You have to wiggle yourself away from a night of calls and texts from your significant other. Then you have to explain where you were the night before and why you smell like a brothel? After a while the whole myphonediedwhileiwasatthebaranduntiligothomeat4am excuse just doesn't seem to play out so well. Your phone battery can't be that bad, homeslice. And once you create one lie, there's a whole mess of other ones that have to follow suit. Honestly, I don't see how anyone has time for that garbage.

2. If You're Going to Cheat, At Least Upgrade.
I mean, REALLY. Unfortunately, I had the pleasure of seeing a few of the lovely ladies (PS I'm using the term "ladies" beyond loosely) and ho-lee buckets. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but I at least have a nice rack. Girls and boys: if you're going to go through the trouble of breaking a heart and imploding your conscience, at least make it WORTH IT. Man OH man these girls were beyond unattractive. Don't lower your standards for the sake of a one night stand. Because that really just negates the entire purpose, now doesn't it? Who wants to brag about the halfway decent looking person they banged the night before?

That's what I thought.

My short and simple point is this: if you're bored, just save the trouble and get yourself single. THEN go for the ones you could have done, and did do, better than.