Dear Sir Who Deemed it Necessary to Yell At Me From Across the 7-11 Parking Lot,
While I am not quite certain if your tactic has worked in any previous attempt, this is why I was not amused and/or inclined to talk to you:
1. Safety.
As I exit the store you proceed to hang out of your parked car and shout "Excuse me!". Now, I do give you credit for approaching the situation with a more polite introduction. Fellow "gentleman" have often used "Hey girl", "Yo!" and my ever-fading favorite "DAMN!". However, you followed your opening line with the request for me to approach your car "just for a sec". Really? I'm 4'11 in an empty parking lot and you want me to walk up to you in a parked car with your window rolled down. For all I know you're sitting there with a knife, a handkerchief of chloroform or maybe your cell phone open and ready to collect digits. I pass.
2. Eagerness.
As I cautiously acknowledge the fact that you're literally screaming at me from 100 feet away, I stand my ground and ask what the problem might be. Your next line? "Do you have a boyfriend?!". Ok, I understand that you want to get this important part of the discussion out of the way because why waste everyone's time, right? Just a hint: Compliments are a better way to break the ice. Although in this situation, I don't see how your ice pick of a pickup line was about to break through my sanity.
"Are you sure?" is not an appropriate follow up to the previously mentioned question.
3. Creepster factor.
Dude. You're parked, eating some sort of 7-11 unhealthiness while trying to get the attention of someone leaving the store in an obvious hurry AND on the phone. You're wearing sunglasses that look like something Jim Carey wore circa 1999. To top off the entire oh-my-god-this-guy-is-going-to-erase-my-existance vibe, there are what appear to be Slim Jim and fast food wrappers strewn about. Maybe you were hungry today? That's cool. Don't leave garbage on your dashboard just in case you get the urge to "holler".
All in all, please take a moment, regroup with... I guess yourself... and plan a new strategy for next time. Also, some more advice: if you find yourself driving in the same direction as the girl you just attempted to court via convenience store parking lot, do not proceed to drive right next to her for a solid 12 miles on the freeway. Most people aren't a fan of feeling stalked.
I just hope a CraigsList.com missed connections post doesn't surface from this ordeal. I'm so not down with the changing my identity and getting a restraining order scene.
Sincerely,
The Girl You Officially Creeped the Hell Out Of.
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1 comment:
Reeealll quick, few things. Your usage of the word holler is one of the greatest things ive read since I recently explored the complex infrastructure of the human liver. Also, again, a 30 second situation turned in to multiple paragraphs, fantastic. I love watching my gender do the things that you so perfectly paint in your pictures. My favorite is the "damn" line. So creative. So simple. Well, im done for now. Keep up the strong work. I say; write a book. It'll sell.
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